The Daily Gut

Michael Moore, just as you remember him. If you remember him.

Michael Moore's pledge to conservatives:

1) We will always respect you. We will never, ever, call you "unpatriotic" simply because you disagree with us. In fact, we encourage you to dissent and disagree with us.

2) We will let you marry whomever you want (even though some among us consider your Republican behavior to be "different" or "immoral"). Who you marry is none of our business. Love, and be in love - it's a wonderful gift.

3) We will not spend your grandchildren's money on our personal whims or to enrich our friends. It's your checkbook too, and we will balance it for you.

4) When we soon bring our sons and daughters home from Iraq, we will bring your sons and daughters home too. We promise never to send your kids off to war based on some amateur Power Point presentation cooked up by men who have never been to war.

5) When we make America the last Western democracy to have universal health coverage, and all Americans are able to get help when they fall ill, we promise that you too will be able to see a doctor, regardless of your ability to pay. And when stem cell research delivers treatments and cures for diseases that afflict you and your loved ones, we'll make sure those advances are available to you and your family too.

6) When we clean up our air and water, you too will be able to breathe the cleaner air and drink the purer water. When we put an end to global warming, you will no longer have to think about buying oceanfront property in Yuma.

7) Should a mass murderer ever kill 3,000 people on our soil, we will devote every single resource to tracking him down and bringing him to justice. Immediately. We will protect you.

8) We will never stick our nose in your bedroom or your womb. What you do there as consenting adults is your business. We will continue to count your age from the moment you were born, not the moment you were conceived.

9) We will not take away your hunting guns. If you need an automatic weapon or a handgun to kill a bird or a deer, then you really aren't much of a hunter and you should, perhaps, take up another sport. In the meantime, we will arm the deer to make it a fairer fight.

10) When we raise the minimum wage, we will raise it for your employees too. They will use that money to buy more things, which means you will get the money back! And when women are finally paid what men make, we will pay conservative women that wage too.

11) We will respect your religious beliefs, even when you don't practice those beliefs. In fact, we will actively seek to promote your most radical religious beliefs ("Blessed are the peacemakers," "Love your enemies," "It is easier for a camel to go through the eye of a needle than for a rich man to enter the kingdom of God" and "Whatever you did for one of the least of these brothers of mine, you did for me"). We will let people in other countries know that God doesn't just bless America, he blesses everyone. We will discourage religious intolerance and fanaticism - starting here at home.

12) We will not tolerate politicians who are corrupt and break the law. And we promise you we will go after the corrupt politicians on our side first. If we fail to do this, we need you to call us on it. Simply because we are in power does not give us the right to turn our heads the other way when our party goes astray. Please perform this important duty as the loyal opposition.

los angeles times

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In a Daily Gut exclusive, we have obtained an unedited copy of Moore's first draft. We present it here either as a public service or a space filler, whichever comes first.

1) We will never, ever, call you "unpatriotic" simply because you disagree with us. Why would we compliment you like that? We will call you Nazis, fascists, racists, sexists and many other ists.

2) We will let you marry whomever you want. Slow down, Mormons � we didn't say "whomevers." Not all love is a wonderful gift.

3) We will not spend your grandchildren's money on our personal whims or to enrich our friends. Well, yes we will. We'll also spend it on ideas that time will prove us wrong on, and no, we won't apologize or admit we were ever wrong, because, you see, our hearts are always in the right place and that's all that matters. (See Number 5 et al.)

4) When we soon bring our sons and daughters home from Iraq, we will bring your sons and daughters home too. As for the Iraqi people, fuck 'em. And we promise never to send your kids off to war in an effort to make a better life for smelly foreigners. That's not what our America is about. That's the UN's job, and it's doing just fine, or will be once we give it more money.

5) When we make America the last Western democracy to have universal health coverage, we'll be shocked when the quality of American health care falls to the level of those other democracies. On the other hand, fewer smelly foreign doctors will want to come here, so that's a plus! Also, we pledge to continue to unironically cite failing European economies and political systems as examples of how we want America to be, because that's what pseudo-intellectuals do.

6) When we put an end to global warming � well, who's kidding whom, we're not gonna do that, since, y'know, Mother Nature is a real bitch! But we do promise to regulate American businesses through the roof, which is what we really care about anyway. We will then be amazed when prices skyrocket and you're no longer able to afford many things you once took for granted. But you didn't need those things anyway, or they're bad for you, or we just plain don't like 'em. Either way, it will fulfill some kind of pathological need we have that makes us love to tell others what to do. (Note to self: don't mention that personal Lear jets for celebrities will be exempt from any of these regulations.)

7) Should a mass murderer ever kill 3,000 people on our soil, we will make excuses for him and find some way to blame his actions on Republicans, and on America in general.

8) We will never stick our nose in your bedroom or your womb, unless you're hiding guns or untaxed money in either of those places.

9) We will not take away your hunting guns. We'll try, though. But we'll fail. But hopefully we will make it as difficult as possible for you to defend yourselves, your loved ones and your property. In fact, we'll try very hard to make it a crime to use a gun in self-defense, because guns are scary and mean and evil. Of course, once we ban guns you won't have to worry because how will criminals get them if they're illegal? They wont! Why can't you understand this? It's so simple!

10) When we raise the minimum wage, we will raise it for your employees too. We then will be flabbergasted when they can't use that money to buy more things because the prices of those things have also gone up, or because you've had to let them go because you can no longer afford to employ as many people as you once did. We don't really get "economics." But that's OK, because once again our hearts are in the right place.

11) We will respect your religious beliefs, unless we decide that those beliefs are fascist, racist, sexist or homophobic. And we will only do so if you're a Christian or a Jew. Islam has nothing to fear from us � we understand that things like honor killings, toppling walls on gays, and forcing women to cover themselves from head to toe are part of your culture, and naturally, we respect all cultures except our own. Basically, if you're brown or black, we hold you to lower standards. Because if we didn't, we'd be racists, wouldn't we?

12) We will not tolerate politicians who are corrupt and break the law. This obviously does not apply to Alcee Hastings, John Murtha, Bill Clinton (miss you, love you, mean it!) or anyone else we see fit to exempt from this statement, though we pledge that these people will always be Democrats or leftists.

13) In closing, although I have said "we" throughout this pledge, I'm not really sure what that means, since deep down I suspect many Democrats think I'm a fat, dishonest, unethical slob with the brains of a tapeworm and probably dislike me as much as many Republicans do. Also I've been irrelevant for quite some time now, so I'm not even sure why the LA Times agreed to publish this. Like my "documentaries," it's not coherent, logical or factual. Look, the bottom line is that I'm not very bright and I'm not even a particularly good filmmaker. Boy do I hope the Times edits the hell out of this!

(levy)

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