Hey it's me, Greg. Here are my thoughts on the awards.

-When I tuned in to the show, I was severely disappointed. Not a mention of Don Mattingly. And no sign of Mike Schmidt. Then my mom told me it was the Golden Globes.

-Jack Nicholson wanted to show up with a hot chick he hadn't yet screwed, so he brought his daughter.

-I still don't know who the "Hollywood Foreign Press" are. My guess is that they vote for crummy movies that carry a "message" undermining American values and/or exposing pseudo terror-based xenophobia. When Babel won, my theory was validated. I must say - i didn't see the movie, but my friends have and they told me it was a meandering piece of "toss." "Toss" is a British term for "bollocks." "Bollocks" is a british term for anything starring Brad Pitt.

-Foreign movie critics, I believe, rarely bathe. I have no real proof of this, but I could sense an odor coming from the flat screen as I watched the show.

-Peter O'toole wasn't there, but you know that whereever he was, he was having a better time.

-I don't understand why actors and actresses get so emotional over this crap. Don't they despise critics in general? So why then, do they gush like incontinent grandmothers when "foreign critics" give them a shiny award? It's like fighting a war and getting a medal from the enemy. A really gay enemy.

-It was funny watching that outrageously beautiful model interview America Ferrara, from Ugly Betty. It was - no surprise - amazingly patronizing. I was ready for the question, "So, how long have you been less than average looking?"

-At least in this awards show, there were no big dance numbers or skits. However, there was still a nauseating amount of self-congratulation and back slapping. The worst part: when someone winning an award has to look down to Jack Nicholson and gesture to him like he's some kind of royalty. And he just leans back, grinning, like a porn-fed toad. Viagra will do that to you.

-Reese Witherspoon looked hot: further evidence that chicks always get 234 percent better looking after their husbands cheat on them. It's more effective than botox.

-I invented a new word, called "octage." It's cleavage found on an octagenarian. For an outstanding example, see Helen Mirren.

-Andre Broughton's hair has gone slightly gray, making him 45 percent more trustworthy than last year. This is based on my "Morgan Freeman gray hair/trustworthy theory", named after Morgan Freeman and based on the idea that there is no one more trustworthy than a black man with gray or whitish hair. Except for Kofi Annan and anyone Kofi Annan accepted a bribe from.

-Warren Beatty is a babbling coot. But declaring his love for his wife Annette Benning in his acceptance speech was proof that he can still act.

-Vanessa Williams looks like Scary Spice

-Alec Baldwin looked like he ate Stephen Baldwin

-It took forty years, but Martin Scorsese's eyebrows have finally attached themselves to his glasses.

-Dreamgirls winning outstanding comedy or musical was a fix. No one liked that movie. In fact, the only good reviews it got was a week prior to its opening. Then when it came out - and everyone else saw it - attitudes changed. Am I saying a corrupt review process was involved? I might be. Or I might not be. Oh...look...i have some red licorice.

-The real Golden Globe was Donald Trump's shiny head.