It's huge news in the world of squirrels and the nuts who eat them: In January, the EPA warned folks to stop eating squirrels that live near a toxic waste dump in North Jersey. The weird thing, right off the bat, is that you would actually need to warn people NOT to do this. I mean, why eat a squirrel near a toxic waste dump when there's an Applebee's nearby? True, Applebee's is overrated, but have you tried Denny's Moons over my Squirrel? It wasn't prepared to my liking.

Anyhow, the reason why the EPA didn't want anyone to eat squirrels is because they found lead in a few dead ones. So they issued warnings. Now they say that the lead actually came from the blender used to test the squirrel's tissue samples. So it's okay to return to your squirrel eating ways.

Which leads to a larger point about our dietary choices, which are governed by what I call "tail discrimination." The fact is, the only reason why we eat squirrels, instead of rats, is because squirrels are hotter. When you think about it, Squirrels are just rats with sexier tails...and I think about it a lot. Some say too much.

I think it's time we put aside our bigoted notions of what makes an attractive tail, and treat rats and squirrels equally. Let's start Saturday. Barbecue, my place. Noon. I'll supply the meat, you bring your appetite. And board games, in case it rains!