So the other day I was reading about how House Speaker Nancy Pelosi helped get Democratic Rep. Tammy Baldwin's domestic partner on a military flight for a fact-finding trip. Apparently the Pentagon isn't crazy about flying gay partners, but the Speaker won out, and the lesbian couple headed to Europe. Which, as you know, is somewhere near Africa.

This chaps my cranberry. First: why is a lesbian partner needed to go on a fact-finding trip? Especially one paid for by American taxpayers? More important, why should any partner go at all? I don't care if you're gay, straight, or banging a pomengranate. Well, especially if you're banging a pomegranate. You're not taking it with you. You'd think most politicians would see these trips as an excuse to go it alone, just to sample the very best of the foreign houseboy escort services. They let us down in that regard alone.

Now, some say spouses are necessary for protocol purposes, but I say phooey with a capital PH. If I'm not allowed to have my personal trainer, Julio, here with me doing the show - and I've asked, believe me - then no politician should be able to have his wife, husband or antiquing partner accompany her to the Bahamas to get guava colonics. It's not fair, or right, or even hygienic.

Which leads me to this joke known as the fact-finding mission. What the hell is that? What fact are you trying to find? That's what Wikipedia or a reasonably defined intern named Sven is for. Fact-finding is code for getting seduced by underaged belly dancers in Morocco. It is a disguise for free meals, a little whoring and maybe a spanking. I'm sorry, but I am not paying for a couple to lie in a heart shaped tub, licking rose petals off their naked backs. That's what Strom and I did back in the 90s - but that was on our dime, and frankly that's none of your damn business, and now I am going to have to ask you to leave.