So here`s another story that`s full of crap. Do you remember a few years back when Seattle, Washington planners decided to install some self-cleaning, high-tech toilets in and around certain areas of their city? They said it was to accommodate tourists - but the real agenda was to keep hobos and whores from pooping in front of restaurants. Anyhoo, the city – always frugal when it comes to spending your money on important matters - threw 5 million bucks at five potties. By my math, that`s approximately a thousand bucks per flush, depending on how you wipe.

So fast forward to today, and we find that these million dollar poop-shooters were just sold by the city, on Ebay, for a sum total of $12,549 - a pretty steep drop, even for a commode. You know, I`ve heard that when you drive a new car off the lot, it immediately loses 10 percent of its value. I guess it`s far worse, if you let the homeless crap in it.

So the city got hosed, instead of the homeless, which is kind of funny. But why did Seattle get rid of them in the first place? Because the bathrooms had become – get this – disgusting hideouts for whoring and drug use. And herein lies the lesson: only bureaucrats are blind to what every average working joe knows. And that is, bad people don`t appreciate good things. They only make them bad. The fact is, if you don`t want transients crapping in front of your Fuddruckers, enforce loitering laws and lock them up. The idea that decades of squalid living can be reversed by a glimpse of a warm toilet seat only reveals the profound delusions underpinning liberal social policies.

In the end, no one cares about a toilet unless it belongs to them. And even then, I still sometimes miss.

And if you disagree with me, then you sir are worse than Hitler.