The Daily Gut

FRIDAY'S GREGALOGUE: THE CONVENTION DECODER RING

If you`re like me, you find political conventions confusing, and sometimes scary. So I thought, wouldn`t it be great to have some kind of decoder ring that helps all of us understand what our leaders are really saying. So here it is!

-When Chelsea Clinton introduces her mom to an adoring crowd, she`s really thinking, "You don`t know me well enough to hate me as much as you already hate my parents. By the way, I hate my parents."

-When Hillary brings up a conversation she had with some poor citizen who lost her job and now has no health insurance – she`s really saying, "I actually am a real human being, according to this manual, anyway."

-When her husband Bill Clinton reminds the audience that "change" has always been the heart of the Democratic party, he`s really saying, "Crap, some of these security guards have awesome tits!"

-When Obama salutes the legacy of Ted Kennedy, what he`s really saying is that soon, Ted will be heading to that upside down Oldsmobile Delmont 88 in the sky.

-When, for the 83^rd time, Obama calls our troops heroes, right before advocating a measured withdrawal - - what he really means is, "How was I supposed to know we were going to win the war?"

- When Nancy Pelosi says Bush is losing the war on terror, she means "as long as you overlook fact that we haven`t had a terror attack in the US since 9/11." When she tells the Democrats to happily "know your power," she means, "that`s my book, "Know Your Power," on Amazon.com. Currently it`s ranked #12,444. Books on lawn care are performing better."

When Obama says the middle class is hurting, he means "more taxes." When he says our schools are in trouble, he means, "more taxes. When he waves to the deaf lady signing in the corner, he mean's "more taxes."

But when he quickly adds, "the government alone can't fix peoples lives." He means, "Just kidding. More taxes."

When he says, we need to strive for energy independence – he means more pretty windmills and solar panels like the ones I saw at Laurie david`s house.

And finally, when he says, "Don`t get me wrong, we have real enemies in the world," he means Fox News, not terrorists.

And if you disagree with me, then you sir are worse than Hitler.

DAILYGUT.COM

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hey friends!

Tonight we've got the great Janice Dickenson, the hilarious "The" Greg Wilson, the lovely Patti Anne Brown, and the charming Ellis Henican. Plus, we've got a special guest, in disguise, who will be talking about his new book on the CIA, "The Human Factor: Inside the CIA`s Dysfunctional Intelligence Culture." He's a former deep cover agent...which sounds wrongly arousing.

anyway, we're taking a vaca over the convention, so this will be our last show until Sept 8th!

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