So according to new research, having sex without a condom is healthy – at least for your head. A leading Scottish psychologist claims that unprotected straight sex can dramatically boost men's and women's mental well-being – with or without the kilt. He adds that wearing a condom can increase risk for depression and stress – probably triggered by trying to open those little wrappers with fat stubby fingers.

Now the research was immediately condemned by sex educators, who believe this finding can only lead to unprotected sex, pregnancy, STD's and tedious play dates at McDonalds. The professor, however, stood strong and said: "Evolution is not politically correct... there is actually only one [sexual behavior] that is consistently associated with better physical and mental health and that is the one... favoured by evolution."

Of course he said this all with a delightful Scottish accent, which made it more endearing. But I get it: because unprotected sex boosts your chance of reproduction, and reproduction is the name of the evolutionary game – then you, biologically, feel better about it. Which makes sense, I guess. But there's more to it than that, I'd say.

For one: perhaps you feel better not using the condom, because it feels better not using the condom! Of course that feeling of well-being dissipates shortly after you realize you didn't wear a condom. Then that well-being is replaced by the three stages of fear: which is fear, more fear, and still more fear.

But more importantly, the use of condoms might say more about your choice of partner – who influences your happiness more than the sex you're having. The fact is, if you're not using a condom, there's a higher chance the person you're having sex with is someone you trust – like your wife. Although the researcher disagrees with that point – my feeling is if you're using condoms, chances are you're more likely to be sleeping with some random chick at the office, an unstable drifter named Roy that you met at Port Authority, or in my case – a lemur. That can't be good for evolution, either.

So in conclusion: say no to condoms, and yes to Scotland.