So a new survey reports that one in five Californians need help for a mental or emotional issue.

Seems low, if you ask me. I mean - this is California, home to Sean Penn, Mel Gibson and the Oakland Raiders.

But more important, you can reduce this report to a cavalcade of cliches.

So, did they group all emotional and mental "issues" together - so we get millions of sufferers?

Yep.

Did they expand the distress to include things like "feeling sad, anxious or nervous?"

You bet. (In the old days we called that "life," but now it's an injustice if you aren't snorting rainbows 24/7.)

Also: are these problems worse for women?

Yes, the problems are worse for women!

What about old people?

Yeah, it sucks for old people!

Are the poor hit hardest by all this?

Yes! They're hit harder by everything!

What about immigrants? Surely, there must be a stigma attached to seeking help!

Yes! A stigma "may pose a significant barrier to care," even in Cali, where pets have chiropractors.

Could the recession make these problems worse?

Sure, but the recession makes everything worse! (Except, for some reason, my pecs.)

So let's see. They're combining mental and emotional problems into mass numbers. Immigrants, the poor, the aged, and females are hit hardest. What's the point?

See this last sentence on the L.A. Times blog:

"Given the number of people in pain... it may be time for Californians to overcome the perceived stigma and demand expanded public funding and insurance coverage of mental health care."

And so, your sadness must be soothed by a burdened state whose financial ruin has already caused enough emotional distress.

I think I'm gunna cry. I demand you pay for my Kleenex.

And if you disagree with me, you're a racist, homophobic Justin Bieber fan.