Welcome to Red Eye -- It's like "This Is It", if by 'it' you mean 'gross'.

...and you'd try to stuff him down the toilet in Gitmo to anger the terrorists, but even they agree with that, it's our New York Times correspondent; good to see you, Pinch.

Carrie Keagan, knows bad TV, like Bill knows bad odors.



Ambassador Bolton he knows keytars like I know white house cigars.



Michael Baden he knows grisly murders like I know gristly steak



Diana Falzone, so hot that heat waves are now known as Falzone waves



Jim Norton, funnier than a clown getting a confetti colonic

Welcome to Red Eye its like "you can't do that on television" if by "on television" you mean "in Bryant Park"



Andy Levy is working on a Thanksgiving feast for his two cats, tell us Andy how is your TuPigeMou, a mouse stuffed in a pigeon, stuffed in a turkey, coming along?

Jim Norton - If jokes were a tidal wave, he'd make us all keel over.

Bill Schulz - Even castmembers of the Hills thinbk his career is going nowhere.

Diana Falzone: She's hotter than a keebler elf drinking a smoothie made from the remains of blenderized smurfs.

John Bolton - He knows the U.N. like I know R.N.'s

Dr. Michael Baden - He knows coroner's inquests like I know poolboy conquests.

Carrie Keegan - She's so hot, that Hot Pockets are now known as Carrie Keegan Pockets.

It's time for the Halftime Report, for that we go to TV's Andy Levy. On the weekends, Andy likes to frequent German discotheques, with his good pal Howard Hesseman.

Welcome to Red Eye. It's like 'Hardball' but with more tingling.



John Bolton: He knows diplomats like I know saturated fats.



Carrie Keagan: She's so hot, coffee cups now come with a warning "Caution, contents are Carrie Keagan"



Jim Norton: if hilarity were a guitar, I'd slide down his string til he hit a high note.



Bill Schulz: The garbage man won't even drive by his house.



...

Welcome to Red Eye- it's like Going Rogue if by "Rogue" you mean "naked in my basement".

Jim Norton- he's funnier than a group of little people with briefcases beating up a Keebler elf.

Dr. Michael Baden- he knows the dead like I know moldy bread.

John Bolton- he knows the United Nations like I know sedations.

Carrie Keegan- she's so hot, she substitutes for the sun.



By the way- Cheesy Potatoes stole my "Hot Pockets" one. I wrote it for SE Cupp a few days ago. You can check....

Who you callin Peeplies?!?



Welcome to Red Eye; it's like the American Music Awards, only with more simulated BLANK-ing and falling down.

Welcome to Red Eye. It`s like "As the World Turns" if by the world you mean my stomach.

Welcome to Red Eye. It`s like "Weekend at Bernie`s" if by at Bernie`s you mean on furlough.

Carrie Keegan; She`s so hot you need an oven mitt just to hold her hand.

Ambassador Bolten; He knows world affairs like I know teddy bears.

Ambassador Bolten; He knows world affairs like I know gummy bears.

Dr. Baden; He knows the morgue like I know the Borg. It`s a Star Trek thing, sorry.

Diana Falzone; She`s so she can melt a snowman just by staring at him.

Jim Norton; If hilarity was a good shave, I`d want his lather all over my face.

Bill Schulz; He can hear dog whistles.

And you`d put on a pair of cleats and stomp on his face. If you had cleats. Or could borrow a pair. It`s our NY Times correspondent, Pinch.

And you'd use him to line your garbage can if you had a garbage can and you wanted it lined- good to see you again Pinch.

And you'd use him to light your barbeque, if you had some meat, a grill, or even pyromania... It`s our NY Times correspondent, Pinch.

Diana Falzone... she's so hot an old Marilyn Monroe movie is now called 'Some Like It Diana'.

Jim Norton; if hilarity were a spitball, I'd moisten him up before firing his payload.

Diana Falzone; she knows getting dates, like I know eating dates. They're an oval, sweet fruit. Oh, sorry... that's Bill.

Welcome to Red Eye, it's just like coming down with the Swine Flu, if by 'the Swine Flu' you mean 'The Clap'..

Diana Falzone, she's so hot, tabasco sauce puts her on it's food to spice it up..

Carrie Keegan, she's so hot, space heaters are now called space Carrie Keegans..

Jim Norton, he's funnier than a deranged clown using a live smurf as a contraceptive sponge..

Dr. Michael Baden; he knows human decomposition, like I know the Spanish Inquisition. Confess in the comfy chair!

Bill Schulz... he has no tangible genitalia.

Dr Baden, he knows his way around the dead like I know my way to get to the head...don't you just love nautical terms, people?

Ambassador Bolton, he knows foreign affairs like I know the man upstairs...yep, John Gibson has an office right above mine!

Bill Schulz, in a race with a pregnant woman, he'd come in third..

Ambassador Bolton and Jimmy Norton ... Christmas came early this year! Any chance you could arrange for me to sit on their laps? I promise to wear pants this time.

Welcome to Red Eye - - Its like a walk in the park, if by park you mean cemetary.



Jim Norton - - if comeidc genius were a lamp, I'd rub him the right way.

Jim Norton - - He funnier than a drunk clown on nitrous.

Diana Falzone - - Shes cuter than a care bear giving birth to a kitten.



John Bolton - - He knows foreign relations like I know hip gyrations.







Bill Schulz - - In Fiji, hes a urinal cake.

Bill Schulz - - In In mexico hes a supository

"By the way- Cheesy Potatoes stole my "Hot Pockets" one. I wrote it for SE Cupp a few days ago."



You should thank NightMoves, they wrote that one first... and about 20 people have used variants of it since. Don't think you invented the wheel, broheim. There are only so many hot as riffs to be had.

Diana Falzone. She's so hot that Buster Poindexter is working on a song called Falzone Falzone Falzone.



Jim Norton. If Jim Norton were smoke, rebellious teenagers would blow him in school yards.

Dr. Michael Baden. He knows so much about death that the grim reapers asks HIM for tips.

Jim Norton. He knows erotic trysts like I know anal cysts. Damn, they hurt.

Jim Norton. He knows getting BEEPed by hookers, like I know hosting a late night talk show.

Jim Norton. By night he's a hilarious comic, but by day he frolics with unicorns in psychedelic fields while propositioning smurfs for dirty, dirty sex.

Bill Schultz. He spells boyz with a Z.

Bill Schulz. In Yiddish, Schulz means urinal.

Amb. John Bolton, he knows mustaches like I know painful rashes.

Bill Schulz. His mother never told him not to eat the yellow snow.

Jim Norton. He knows paying for sex like I know bouncing checks.

Diana Falzone is so hot that fire has sued her for copyright infringement.

Jim Norton. He knows high-quality sex toys like I know Phillipino house boys.

Welcome to Red Eye. It's like The Man from Uncle if by "from" you mean "molested by".

Welcome to Red Eye. It's like the Cosby Show if by "Cosby" you mean "Homoerotic".

Welcome to Red Eye! It's like Barefoot in the Park... if by "foot" you mean "ass"

Jim Nortan: He knows transgender hookers better than Bill Schulz

Bill Schulz: He plays sit and spin on Unicorn Horns.