Welcome to Red Eye, it's like Lord of the Rings, if by Rings you mean houseboys.

John Gibson, if intelligent commentary were a tiny mallet, I would use him to tenderize my meat.

Welcome to Red Eye -- It's like "Indiana Jones and the Temple of Doom", if by 'doom' you mean 'houseboys'.



...and he's the most popular non-cloth rag in America, it's our New York Times correspondent; good to see you, Pinch.

Jesse Joyce, if hilarity were a train, I would ride in his caboose.

Juliet Huddy, if beauty were a beer keg, I would tap her while frat boys watched.

Juliet Huddy if charm were a mad lib, I would do her with some fifth graders



John Gibson if intelligence were a bottle of wine, he would be stuck in my basement for an entirely different reason...



Jesse Joyce funnier than a rodeo clown being stomped to death by a smurf riding a griffin.

Bill Schulz: The pine to my sol, the mister to my clean, the tidy to my bowl and the win to my dex.

Juliet Huddy, she's so hot a nuclear meltdown is now called a nuclear Juliet Huddy

John Gibson,, if political commentary a bird cage I'd line him with Pinch.

Jesse Joyce, if comical genius were a dinner plates, I'd lay him on the dining room table.

Welcome to Red Eye, it's like Super Friends, if by Friends you mean Gay.

Bill Schulz, he's the D to my P, the Daisy to my Chain, the Rim to my Job and the A to my M.

Welcome to Red Eye: it's like "Barney Miller", if by "Miller", you mean "Frank's Escort Service".

Welcome to Red Eye, it's like 'Chasing Amy' - if by 'Amy', you mean 'the Dragon'.



He's the Bert to my Ernie, the Felix to my Oscar, and the Beavis to my Butt-Head, he's my repulsive sidekick Bill Schulz.

Bill Schulz... he carries a silk hankerchief in place of underpants.

He's the Hooker to my TJ: Bill Schulz, in Bermuda, he's considered a hands-free device.

John Gibson, if insightful commentary were an umbrella, I'd fall asleep under him at the beach.

Welcome to Red Eye: it's like "Tickle Me Elmo", if by "Elmo", you mean "Right There".

Welcome to Red Eye: it's like "Saved by the Bell," if by "Bell" you mean "statutory loophole."

Juliet Huddy; she knows anchor chairs, like I know ingrown hairs. Unsightly and painful they are.

John Gibson; his silver coif, gets the Fox viewers off! Love that Man!

Hey Greg! Congratulations- Stephen Spruiell on the Corner corner at NRO embeds your Robot Theater episode concerning a day in the life of media matters.



Spruiell says that William F. Buckley wouldn't approve of such crass humor.



I didn't know Buckley had a hairy back.

Welcome to Red Eye, it's like "Groundhog Day", if by 'Groundhog', you mean 'Unicorn' & by 'Day', you mean night..

Juliet Huddy, she's so sweet, she can sweeten lemonaid by just looking at it..

John Gibson, if intelligent commentary were a line of coke, junkies would follow him everywhere..

Jesse Joyce, he's funnier than a deranged pixie bludgeoning a smurf with the leg bone of a grif...

Jesse Joyce, he's funnier than a deranged pixie bludgeoning a smurf with the leg bone of a griffin..

Dr Baden, he knows the causes of death like I know the dealers of meth..

Bill Schulz, he dances to the music only he can hear...which is normally the Black Eyed Peas..

Welcome to Red Eye, we're like the Bureau of Alchohol, Tobacco, & Firearms, if by "Bureau" you mean "Glee Club."



First we have John Gibson. He's so sharp, he gets hate mail from razors. That's why he doesn't trust them people.



Jesse Joyce, he's funnier than a Smurf smoking Fraggle Rock.



Juliet Huddy. She's so fine, fine toothed combs are now called Huddy toothed combs.

And finally we have the man who knows the departed like I know being broken hearted, Dr. Michael Baden, pathologist.



And he's the Tippi to my Canoe, the Baba to my Ganoush, and the Swine to my Flu, my co-host Bill Schultz. If being a sidekick were static cling, he'd stick to your thighs.