Welcome to Red Eye -- It's like "Dancing With the Stars", if by 'stars' you mean 'stripper pole'.



...and he has corrections like porn stars have erections, it's our New York Times correspondent; good to see you, Pinch.

Steven Crowder, if hilarity were a tiny mallet, I would use him to tenderize my meat.

Jill Dobson, if beauty were a beer keg, I would tap her while frat boys watched.

If wit were bingo, old ladies would read numbers off of his balls.

Also, I'm surprised you didn't have this story yesterday, since it has some things Red Eye focuses on -- Crazy people in Eastern Pennsylvania (in this case, Wilkes-Barrie, not Allentown) and hearing-impaired, out-of-balance goth kittens...

tinyurl.com/y87zkde

OOPS.



Mark Lamont Hill, if good humor and wit were bingo, old ladies would read numbers off of his balls.

Welcome to Red Eye, it's like The Empire Strikes Back if by Empire you mean chlamydia.

Jill Dobson she is so cute that my little ponies collect her and sell he on eBay



Marc Lamont Hill fights the man like I know being the man



Steven Crowder he is so amazing the band Crowded House changed their name to Crowder House.



Father Jonathan he knows the divine like I know Divine... I have a weakness for transvestites from Ohio.

Greg,



Rush Limbaugh just read your Gregalogue on autism - way to go!

Jill Dobson; she knows the doings of Hollywood, like I know shanties made of wood. I'm the king of Shanty Town.



Marc Lamont Hill; he karaokes that McCartney - Stevie Wonder classic, Ebony and Ivory... side by side, in perfect harmony, or not!

Steven Crowder; if hilarity were a Slap Chop, I'd slap his button with unbridled expertise, then serve a salad.

Father Jonathan; he knows matters of faith, like I know Beethoven's 8th. Gotta have your high-brow now and then.

Welcome to Red Eye, it's like 'The Wide World of Sports', if by 'Sports' you mean 'Demons In My Head'..

Jill Dobson, she's so hot, her clothing needs to be fireproof or she'd be naked..

MLH, if intelligent commentary were an eight ball, we'd all do him before the show..

Steven Crowder, he knows a humorous story like I enjoy chicken cacciatore...I just loves me some Italian food, peopl...

Welcome to Red Eye. It's like Footloose, if by loose you mean fetish.

Fr. Jonahtan; He knows blessing babies like I know getting scabies.

Bill Schulz; He's still hoping this is all a bad dream.

And he's inky...and stinky. It's our NY Times correspondent, Pinch.

Fr Jonathan, he knows the wages of sin like I know wages of sin...and it's averaging around 30 bucks an hour, people..

Bill Schulz, he's the flavor of the week at Starbucks..

Bill Schulz... he's no stranger to sadness and cellophane.

Welcome to Red Eye, it's like 'Everybody Loves Raymond' if by Raymond you mean roofies...

Our New York Times correspondent Pinch. When Saddam's statue came down, they used him to catch Sean Penn's tears.



He's the Matt to my Frewer, the Beer to my Brewer, and the Open to my Sewer. My disgusting sidekick Bill! He's like building a city on rock and roll, if by rock and roll you mean broken dreams.

Tammy Bruce is reporting that Jim Treacher was injured in a hit and run.



Pray for his quick recovery.

Our star au pair from the man upstairs. Father Jonathan: He knows love & blessing, like I know cross dressing.



She knows news like I know booze. Jill Dobson, she's cuter than a village full of Smurfs getting trampled on by My Little Pony.

Mark Lamont Hill. He knows your funny bone, like Nick Nolte knows being stoned.



Steven Crowder. He's got more skills than Kentucky has stills.

Marc Lamont Hill, he's smarter than a Smurf with a diploma made from the skin of a Griffin.

Jill Dobson, she's so hot Great Balls of Fire says, "Great Balls of Jill Dobson."

Steven Crowder, if fierce commentary were a southern barbecue, I'd pull his pork until he was soft and tender.

Father Jonathan, he knows the stations of the cross like i know dental floss.

Dog On Crack - That's horrible. Prayers definitely on the way for that man. I hope they catch the driver but I hope more that Jim recovers fully.



Big love to him man....

Welcome to Red Eye, it's like Monk, if by Monk you mean short, overweight, middle age host.

Bill Schulze: He's the Alfa to my Romeo, the Facel to my Vega, the Rolls to my Royce, the Mercedes to my Benz.

www.petitionspot.com/petitions/jimtreacher/

Jill Dobson tonight!?



Time to break out the hot lube and the cold towels!