Steven Crowder...he's so sharp that I use him to trim my bikini line.

Paul Mercurio: He's funnier than a clown being garroted by a pack of crazed girl scouts.

Lauren Sivan: She's cuter than two puppies fighting over a chew toy.

Steven Crowder: He knows conservative views like I know church pews.

Steven Crowder: He knows conservative views like I know church pews.

Hey, I have nowhere else to sleep people.

Bill Schulz: Even Jeffrey Dahmer wouldn't let him stay at his place.



RedEye: It's like "Home Improvement." If by "Improvement," you mean "Invasion."

Welcome to Red Eye -- It's like "Tyler Perry's House of Pain", if by 'pain' you mean 'ombudsmen'.

...and he profiles tropical resorts and faces bankruptcy court, it's our New York Times correspondent; good to see you, Pinch.

Welcome to Red Eye, it's like On the Record With Greta van Susteren if by "Record" you mean "Floor" and by "Greta van Susteren" you mean "My Houseboys."



Lauren-If beauty were an oil field, old men would hire younger men to drill her everyday.



Steven-If intelligence were the pizza guy, I would eat after he came.



Paul-If hilarity were a super soaker, he would spray after being pump...

Paul- If hilarity were a super soaker, he would spray after being pumped three times.

Lauren Sivan, so hot that the seven deadly sins are the Sivan deadly sins...



Paul Mecurio funnier than a can of expired clown meat



Steven Crowder, if sharp whit were jousting, I would do him at a renaissance festive. huzzah!

Steven Crowder, if wit were a speeding violation, cops would nail him on the Interstate.

Welcome to Red Eye, it's like Wife Swap if by 'Wife' you mean 'Bodily Fluids'.

Welcome to Red Eye, its like a Boys Night Out if by Night Out you mean "in pain in a dungeon"

Welcome to Red Eye, its like Get Shorty, if by Shorty, you mean Fetal Alcohol Syndrome.



Crowder: If hilarity were a toothbrush, I'd gag whenever he was at the back of my throat



Paul: He gets laughs like I get skin grafts... don't hate me because I'm beautiful



Bill: more disappointing than the crucifixion

Lauren Sivan: she's so hot, parents warn their children not to touch her when she's turned on



Gregalogue: its a wookie of wit



Pinch: his stories are borin' and his sales are now soaring... just kidding you overpriced bird-cage liner

Welcome to Redeye, Its the Greatest Show on Earth, if by "Earth" you mean "Now".



And now for the gregalogue... its a fresh-baked loaf of EXACTLY!



(Hey, I missed last nights intros, anybody have a link to them? And why did Greg make a funny face after he used my gregalogue lead-in? :) )

Pinch: He's the one newspaper my doggie won't fetch, because its dogma is making him retch. Welcome our NY Times correspondent, Pinch.



Sivan: She's so sexy, hearts heart her.

Paul Mercurio - If jokes and laughs were Deadliest Catch, he'd give everybody crabs.

Paul Mecurio, if hilarity were a Leap year he'd come once every 4 years.

Lauren Sivan, if full pouty lips were magazines, you'd find her in my bathroom.

Steven Crowder, if insightful commentary were a party horn, I'd blow him on my birthday.

Welcome to Red Eye, it's like "The Old Man And The Sea," if by The Sea you mean Bill Schulz.

Welcome to Red Eye, it's like 'The Good, The Bad & The Ugly', if by 'Ugly', you mean Bill Schulz..

Lauren Sivan, if beauty & intelligence were sun screen, I'd rub her all over my body while on the beach..

Paul Mecurio, if hilarious commentary were yogurt, 100 year old Russians would eat him to stay healthy..

Steven Crowder, if insightful commentary were ice cream, thousands of kids would enjoy licking him on a hot day..

Bill Schulz, fun fact! He chews 'pre-owned' bubble gum..

The Gregalogue - its a button of belligerence!

Welcome to Red Eye, its like "Dragnet" if by "net" you mean "Queen"



Lauren Sivan, shes so hot that biscuits bake themselves as she walks by them in the grocery store.

Welcome to Red Eye! It's like Dungeons and Dragons, if by "Dragons," you mean "Ombudsmen."



Steven Crowder: He knows right-wing wit like I know writhing in a pit. It's how I unwind after the show.