Michelle... If hilarity were an umbrella, I would get under her at the beach.



Juliet... If intelligence were a gavel, Elena Kagan would bang her on the bench.



Stephen... If comedic genius were heroin, I would inject him daily.



Welcome to Red Eye! It's like Glenn Beck, if by "Glenn" you mean "Physically Restrained" and by "Beck" you mean "Pool boys."

Welcome to Red Eye, its like Behind the Music, if by Music, you mean my basement door.



Michelle Collins: if hilarity were a new credit card offer, I'd tear her apart on my kitchen table



Bill: AIDS is afraid of accidentally catching him

The Gregalogue: It's a cacaphony of conundrums....



Juliet is so hot that if she were a beauty shampoo, I'd buy some just to work myself into a lather.

Welcome to Red Eye -- It's like "Jurassic Park", if by 'Jurassic' you mean 'Bryant'.

...and he can't reclaim past glories 'cause he screws up his stories, it's our New York Times correspondent; good to see you, Pinch.

Steven Kruiser...if hilarity were a pinball machine, I'd flip my balls in him.

Michelle Collins if brains, beauty and humor were a trifecta, old guys at a horse track would go for her



Juliet Huddy, so hot that the moon blocks her to cause an eclipse



Steven Kruiser if fierce commentary were an old pick-up, I would toss my junk in him.

Welcome to Red Eye, its like Father Knows Best, if by best you mean black tar heroin.

Michelle-- if awesomeness were measured in furry little rodents, she would satisfy even Richard Gere.



steven--if hilarity was a wrench, I'd let him twist my nuts off.



juliet-if beauty was a breastpump, i'd let her milk me dry.



Welcome to Red Eye--it's like "Banger Sisters", if by "Banger" you mean "Banger", and by "Sisters" you mean "Sisters."

Bill Schulz...he collects foul balls, and by foul I mean f-o-w-l.

Pinch - His subscriptions are toast and he's getting owned by the Post....



Stephen - He's manlier than a barracks full of fighter pilots grabbing each others' joysticks.

Welcome to Red Eye... its like dinner with your parents, except there's no food and your parents are wildebeasts.



And now its time for the gregalogue... a sequence of symbolic vibrations emanating from the largest hole in my face.



Bill Schulz... the coolest human being on the planet Ferf.

Welcome to Red Eye, it's just like 'A Night at the Opera', if by 'Opera', you mean crack house..

Juliet Huddy, she's so sweet, sweet tea is now called Juliet Huddy tea..

Michelle Collins, if hilarity were a wild mustang, I'd ride her bareback into the sunset..

Stephen Kruiser, if intelligent commentary were a plunger, I'd use him to unclog my toilet..

Bill Schulz, fun fact! Fleas are now immune to his bites..

Welcome to Red Eye. It's like "Free Willy" if by Willy you mean my captive houseboy. Just kidding, his name is Ramon.

Stephen Kruiser: If comedic genius were a Happy Meal, he'd come with a toy.

Juliet Huddy: She's so sweet, honey bees are now called Huddy bees.

Bill Schulz: A word to the wise - don't ever offer him a backstage pass.

Pinch: Readers leave him 'cause they can no longer believe him.

Stephen Kruiser - If hilarity were an egg, he'd get laid in a hen house.



Michelle Collins - If charm was a coal mine, many filthy Welshmen would toil inside her.



Juliet Huddy - She knows the news like I know the Blues; my life is a sad, sad song.

Our New York Times correspondent, Pinch - he's now printed with 70% recycled pomposity!

Never send to know for whom the bell tolls; It tolls for Bill Schulz.

Red Eye - It's like "Sir Gawain and the Green Knight", if by Gawain you mean Gutfeld and by Green you mean Drunken.