So it's a typical Saturday and I'm at the gym (these quads don't work themselves, people) when some big white guy comes up to me and starts chatting. He seems pretty dumb, and he says he's got a joke for me. Well, I like jokes, so I say, tell me the joke.

He says, "Did you see that huge line where Barack Obama was speaking at the yesterday?" No, I reply. "Yeah, that's because he snorted it."

Now, like you, I was deeply offended by this joke. Clearly, whatever Obama did in his past is his past, and he's more than changed, I think. But then this jackass says he has one more joke. Since I was on the stair climber – I could really feel the burn in my hips and thighs - I couldn't leave. So he says, "Obama claims that his grandmother was scared of black men...which is why he didn't become one until he was 40."

I'm sure you agree with me: there's no place for this kind of tasteless, mean-spirited character attack. I mean, sure, we say worse things about George Bush – but not Obama. Never Obama. He's a good person – unlike Bush, who's just a big unpopular jerk. Then this meathead says he has one more! What could I do? I was trapped - my thong had ridden up my Florida panhandle.

He says; "Did you hear Obama say that black fathers should take more responsibility in their children's lives? He left it on his dad's answering machine."

I know, I know: this offensive and unacceptable. And I told him so. Then he apologized and he said, "Well, you know, John McCain and Barack Obama actually have a lot in common. McCain turns to Phil Gramm for financial stability. Obama used to fill grams for financial stability."

At this point I had to leave. Attacks like this, on an intelligent man who wants to make the world a better place after eight years of destructive policies engineered by an evil genius/former drunken cheerleader, seems beyond the pale. And I hope you agree.

Anyway, as I left, I could hear that big dumb white guy shouting another joke at me. "What did Obama say when Al Gore offered him advice?" He paused. "I'm all ears!"

I'm sorry, but if you found that joke funny – then you sir are a racist bigot bad person who will burn in the hottest part of hell (if it exists, of course).

So last Sunday, on America's Election Headquarters, I mentioned how awesome Obama looked playing basketball with the troops. There I described him as Jesus Christ, but with a better jump shot. But yesterday, on Hardball, Chris Mathews has said, basically, the same thing. There, he says how "impressive" Barack looked shooting baskets, as well as how lovely it was too see all those smiling black people welcoming the new Messiah. Chris noted that the troops really didn't want Obama to leave - as if this charming man is really looking out for them.

Which is strange. I mean - Obama is the same guy who railed against the surge – which is winning the war and saving lives. That's why when I look at Obama, I see a man who thinks victory in Iraq makes him seem fallible - and therefore, it's almost too distasteful to address.

Still, he's so damn handsome!

My guess, however, is that all the smiling troops have nothing to do with Barack's politics. Rather, troops spend a lot of time waiting for crap to happen, and they get bored, and famous people are interesting. So they'll come out to see anyone – with the possible exception of Estelle Getty, who passed away this morning (God rest her soul). Seeing Obama in person is like seeing anyone in real life that you've only seen before on TV. One example: Nickelback

The adulation has nothing to do with achievement – it's just an opportunity to marvel at something that previously, was only four inches tall in your living room.

Insert penis joke here.

Anyway, Chris manages to miss all that because he's in the tank for Obama. And he's been in the tank since the totally luscious senator first hit the campaign. Rumor has it Matthews is starting a Myspace group called Straight Men Who Would Marry Obama – with David Gregory as a charter member.

So congratulations, Chris, on being the very first winner of Red Eye's "In the Tank" award. You will receive your prize shortly...a monogrammed pair of knee pads.

Because they can be nearly silent, hybrid cars pose a serious threat of injury and death to blind and visually impaired people, says the American Council of the Blind, which is pushing the auto industry and government officials to develop ways to reduce this danger.

"Traditionally, people who are blind or visually impaired learn to rely on their hearing and tactile cues to provide them with information about their environment, which they can use to navigate safely across streets and through other vehicular ways, such as parking lots. In so doing, the sound of traffic is their primary focus," Melanie Brunson, council executive director, said in a news release from the council.

"Traffic sounds provide information about such things as the position of vehicles, their direction of travel, their rate of acceleration, and the speed at which they are likely to move. With this information, the pedestrian can make informed decisions about when to cross a street or other vehicular way safely," she said.

Without those sound cues, a blind or visually impaired person is at serious risk.

While Senator and Presidential hopeful Barack Obama has been touring the Middle East, he brought to mind another inspirational leader who made waves in that neck of the woods not too long ago.

That's right, Jesus Christ. While many people see Obama as someone who draws inspiration from Christ, I view it the other way around. I mean, what could Jesus learn from Obama?

I remember a time when Jesus was plagued with doubt, and wondered if he was up to the task his Father had given him. This is something, I sense, that just doesn't happen with Obama. Some call it arrogance, but I call it "spiritual confidence." Seriously, would Obama have told God, "Sorry Dad, I can't die for every one's sins. Why can't I build canoes and coffee tables for the rest of my life?" Not on your life, people. Obama takes on such challenges with a hearty laugh, and a "bring it on" attitude. Jesus could learn from this, if he wasn't busy whining.

Jesus also took a lot of grief for hanging with the wrong crowd – paupers, thieves – even a "scorned" woman who went by the name "Mary Magdalene." Well, all one needs to do is look at Obama, and marvel at the way he stuck by a life partner with controversial beliefs - as well as his unusual friend in the Weather Underground. I think Jesus could learn a thing or two about loyalty, here. And yet, Obama also knew exactly when it was time to move on from a destructive relationship, as he did with Reverend Wright. If only Jesus had seen that coming with Judas.

When Jesus died for our sins, he was in his early thirties – far too inexperienced for such an undertaking. Aside from carpentry, what experience did he really have in making the world a better place? Did he ever run a corporation, hold public office for many years, or enlist in the military? No, no, and no. A holy Trinity of no's...like Obama. But Obama has roughly 15 years on Jesus, so you could argue he is more qualified to save the world. Plus, he traveled more extensively, can probably speak more languages and experimented with narcotics. He's truly a man of all people.

Many critics say Jesus flip flopped on issues – on the one hand he preaches forgiveness, on the other he mentions an eternity of Hell for those who do wrong against God. But just by looking at Obama, and observing the way he shifts beliefs based on how it will help him politically, you see that all great leaders become great through a willingness to change when they see fit. I mean, if you keep falling down – maybe it's time to find a better cross.

And sure, Jesus Christ had a funny name. Well, friend, here are a few other "funny" names: Ghandhi, Confucius, Zoroaster, Obama, Pitt. Meanwhile, here are some names that are very common: Koresh, Manson, Bush. You get the picture.

And if you disagree with me, then you sir are worse than Hitler.

Babyshambles frontman Pete Doherty was so moved by the death of a teenage fan he ended up playing at his wake. On Monday the 28-year-old musician took to the stage at a private celebration of the life of 16-year-old Daniel Squires who passed away on July 4, after battling bone cancer.

Pete formed a friendship with the South Tyneside lad after they met backstage at one of the musician's concerts. Upon hearing of the youngster's death, Pete wanted to try and comfort Daniel's friends and family. After the funeral he joined members of Daniel's family and their friends to a local pub, where he accompanied one of Daniel's pals on the guitar in an emotional musicial tribute.

Call me a dog who likes to return to sniff his own vomit, but whenever someone on the right dies, I instinctively check out blogs like Daily Kos and Gawker. I already know what to expect, but I do it anyway. There, I find the typical ghouls, triumphing the death of Jesse Helms, or to a lesser extent – Tony Snow – as if their own personal politics have been validated by, uh, cancer. I could quote all the vile stuff I found on these sites, but it would take too long and it might make you violent.

Instead, I'd like to discuss why the left – the champions of tolerance – takes so much glee in watching their ideological adversaries croak. I came up with three theories.

1. They're stupid. And being stupid means they cannot grasp the notion that different opinions don't necessarily mean the person you disagree with is evil. I must confess that I see this thinking both on the left and the right. But for some reason it's more intense on the left – possibly because a liberal always believes his stance is uniquely and romantically heroic – even though everyone else he knows agrees with him! When they run into someone - be it a friend or stranger -who disagrees – well, they must be evil.

2. Because conservatives reject moral relativism – it's easier for them to see the world as a range of "bad things" to "good things." So while they might hate Ted Kennedy for everything he stands for, he's no Hitler. He's not even a Michael Moore. For a hardcore leftist though, judgments like that are impossible in a relativistic world, so Tony Snow can be just as evil as Saddam Hussein. Or Hitler, maybe. Hence, all ghoulish applause found this weekend at the Daily Kos.

3. Finally, on the web, cowards become cowboys – anonymity makes it easier to threaten adversaries, as well as dance on their graves. Granted, I once posed the question of whether the View's studio audience should die, but I did that partly in jest. It was after they spent the morning applauding 9/11 conspiracy theories, so you can imagine why it was only "partly."

And if you disagree with me, then you sir are worse than Hitler.

She may have been voted the sexiest woman in the world, but the director of Transformers thought Megan Fox was too skinny.

She told Fox News that she was ordered to gain 10 lbs. for the movie's sequel.

"I'd lost a lot of weight and got really scrawny, but I was told I had to put on size for Transformers because [director Michael Bay] doesn't like skinny girls," Fox, 22, said at the FOX Television Critics Association party on Monday.

Her diet these days?

"I eat red velvet cake before I go to bed every night," she said. "And if you eat meals later, you'll put on weight faster, so I had dinner at 10 p.m.

So I know this is a lot to ask –but try to remember a few weeks back, when Columbian spies fooled a terrorists/drug cartel into releasing kidnapped presidential candidate Ingrid Betancourt and three U.S. military contractors. Miraculously, not a drop of blood was shed.

But was it really a miracle? Or was it just unfair? Wrong? Maybe... even... mean-spirited?

At least, that seems to be CNN's take. On their website, they point out that Columbian military intelligence duped these guerrillas by using the Red Cross emblem during their daring rescue. One of the rescuers, it seems, was wearing a bib with that colorful cross on it. And, CNN reports that the use of such an emblem is a "war crime" under the Geneva Convention, and even quotes an international legal expert who says this violation could endanger Red Cross workers in the future.

He's right. I mean - sure - kidnapping and brutally abusing innocent people over the course of many years could be seen as harsh -but so is lying. Seriously, how do you think the kidnappers felt when they found out those folks weren't really in the Red Cross? I can only imagine how hurt they were – to put their trust in these fellows, only to find out they wanted to steal from them. Even worse, some of the rescuers were wearing "Che Guevara" shirts, perhaps to fool these FARC characters into accepting them as compadres, or at least record store clerks. One might think that the emotional damage caused by this trickery could impact their self esteem – and that's awful.

Personally, I think the US has only one response: return the hostages to their rightful owner. And that's why I'm asking President Bush to gather them up, get them on a plane and send them back to the jungle, pronto.

It's the right thing to do.

And if you disagree with me, then you sir are worse than Hitler.