People often come up to me and ask me the same question over and over again. "Is that a scar ?" And also: "How come you don't have experts on Red Eye?" The answer? It's actually a birthmark, and experts are phonies.

The easiest way to pawn yourself off as an expert is to tell people you're an expert. Then appear on a talk show. Sex experts, steroid experts, latte experts - they're all shams. For example: an expert on domestic violence whose previous appearances include "Dr. Phil" and "Nancy Grace," has just been arrested for beating up his wife. Dean Tong was picked up after his wife called the cops over an argument that turned physical. This wasn't his first arrest - he'd also been busted in 2001 for domestic violence. So maybe that makes him a expert, after all.

I take no joy in this story- I just bring it up to point out an unspeakable truth: with 500 TV channels and countless talking heads needed to fill time - no one really checks. I have, after all, pawned myself off on a number of shows as a relationship expert. God - If you only knew how my ex's feel about that! Thankfully, they can't talk because they're goats, yaks and that one kimodo dragon. Although to be fair, he was quite articulate.

And if you disagree with me, then you sir, are worse than HItler.