While I was away on vacation visiting my mother, Karl Rove, A.K.A. "ROVE--ZEBUB," the undisputed prince of darkness, destroyer of all that's holy, slayer of infants and puppies, enemy of freestyle rap, resigned. I suppose some people might see that as a coincidence, but not me, for I know that where there`s smoke, there`s fire.The left blames Rove for many things, but they stop just short of the truth. Rove timed his exit to coincide with my vacation because he wanted to avoid the flashlight of truth he knew I would cast on him if I hadn`t been playing strip Jenga with my nephew.

Karl Rove, as you know, is an anagram for "ark lover." Which makes sense, when you notice the lack of government money invested in highways and bridges. Only a man who prefers to travel by ark would be so insensitive - so insensitive that during his stint working for George Herbert Walker Bush's 1980's vice presidential bid - there were EIGHT major plane crashes. I have noted this before: This is no coincidence for someone who benefits directly from the production of arks. What if I were to tell you that one of the planes was a DC-10, which crashed in Mexico City. Which is in Mexico. HOME TO MEXICANS. Is this no surprise, since Bush is meeting with the President of Mexico this week? Certainly not for Rove, who as I speak, is placing an order for chalupas. 14 million of them, actually.

But wait, it gets worse, people. I wrote about this two years ago: In 1993, when Rove began advising George w. Bush's gubernatorial campaign, almost immediately, Supreme Court Justice Thurgood Marshall died. Rove probably did a little Pirouette - not unlike something Rudolf Nureyev might have done, if he also hadn't had died that year. Rove had only been at it for a year, and already a black and a Russian had died.

Only one person on the planet could have orchestrated this sequence of events....and that is Karl Rove, who's favorite breakfast meat - don't you know - is bacon.

Which, as you know, comes from pigs.

Well, I`m not going to stand idle while this man is allowed to keep monkeying with global affairs. I`ve set a trap for him, in my basement. I`ve painted it to look like a Taco Bell, and I`ve set a cage above a mound of freshly fried bacon. When I catch him, the left will have to find something else to do with their time, now that they will no longer have Rove to blame for everything wrong with the world.

I suggest Scott Baio. He's 45 and single. What's that about? Or how about Woodrow Wilson? No one ever talks about him. Two words: free ride.

And that's my gut feeling.