So last week we reported on a poll by an organization called -- what else? -- Pew. That's a word my mother would say when she did my laundry. The Pew poll stunk, too. It claimed that more of the public than ever believes America is split evenly into two economic groups, the "haves" and the "have-nots." In 1988, 71% rejected this notion, while just 26% saw a divided nation. I hate studies like this because they ALWAYS involve math. Also, they're depressing. The idea that half of us think were deprived says more about spiritual emptiness than it does about any financial gap. Let me explain the obvious: If you're watching this, and you KNOW you are, you're already a "have". First off, you have a TV. Plus, you have cable. In fact, you've got the ultimate "have" -- which is life itself. Thats not to say there are no have nots. Most of us personally know have nots. We call them - and excuse my jargon -- dead people. But at least dead "have nots" had something. Let me introduce you to some other have nots-have nots whove never had squat. First, the victims of ejaculation. There are trillions of those. In fact, 812 trillion. And, uh, 37. How do I know? I did the math! Each ejaculation produces 100 million sperm. There are nearly seven billion people on the planet - roughly half are men. That's 3.5 billion ejaculations times 100 million. Every three hours! It is every three hours, isn't it? Of course, almost all those sperm end up in condoms, old socks and hotel bath mats. This waste has gone on eight to ten times a day since the beginning of time - which is, to use more math, a long time ago. But those aren't the real "have nots". What about the "have nots" who actually won the lottery, made it all the way to the egg -- and then got their ticket invalidated? Since 1973, there's something like 46 million unlucky winners that never get as far as a dumpster behind a Planned Parenthood clinic. Edwards is right. We do have "two Americas" -- us and all the "have nots" in dumpsters. The thing is, dead fetuses are notoriously silent about their opinions on prosperity - but you can guess how they'd respond. When it comes to understanding the complexities of modern life, they truly "have not!"