As you probably noticed, I'm not feeling well today. I've got bronchitis - a swelling in the airways that produces mucous, which I save to make handicrafts for the kids. Right now, I'm on codeine, which makes it hard to concentrate - but on the bright side I think I'm a frog.

Like me, many other celebrities have serious and sometimes tragic illnesses, and I feel bad for them. But I hate the other stars who turn lighter illnesses into fetishes, and can't stop talking about it. You're already rich and famous - do you really need the public to identify with your restless leg syndrome?

I'm not knocking people when they're down. But I'm tired of hearing about how Cameron Diaz's obsessive compulsive disorder means she can only use spotless 100 dollar bills when buying a Fendi bag for her dog. I'm sure David Beckam's OCD is troubling - but when you're worth hundreds of millions, you can buy a new toilet for every flush. And as for Paris Hilton saying she has attention deficit disorder - that's a like a snake pointing out that its an amputee. You can't remove something that was never there to begin with.

What bugs me more is how "nondiseasey" these diseases are. Remember "chronic fatigue?" It's been replaced with carpal tunnel. And how many more celebrities are going to tell us how they were "ostracized" due to their undiagnosed dyslexia - which translates into, "I'm blond and stupid - and was the same as a child." Celebrity diseases are right up there with modern art for American mass delusions.Once someone calls BS on them, they're discarded like old copies of My Big Backyard. Now they're saying Britney Spears is "bi-polar." Years ago, she would have just been, "selfish." And at some point in the (not too distant) future, she will be, "dead."

So if you're sick, I'm not asking you to suffer silently - I just don't need you to go on talk shows and tell me how you cope with your irrititable bowel syndrome. My own bowels are bad enough. So keep it to yourself. Unless of you're willing to share the drugs.