So I watched Obama's infomercial, and forgive me if, unlike Chris Mathews, I didn't soak my Depends.

As I watched, all I could be was...confused. Obama produced what can only be described as bizarro-propaganda - a dour documentary designed to undermine an eastern bloc country, circa 1974. Ten minutes into the thing, I was expecting a bunch of fat babushkas in headscarves fighting over the last loaf of stale bread. By the time it was over, I had boiled and eaten a neighbor's dog.

This was a view of our country seen, grimly, from the outside looking in: a place where everyone is sick, poor, or sickly poor. I call it Hugo porn - the kind of stuff that gives Chavez a chubby.

It's as if the most successful and selfless country in the history of the world never existed. Instead, we have east Germany without the lederhosen or the sausage. But I guess, in order to sell himself, Barack has to sell the rest of the country short.

When it was over however, I felt like I always do after ingesting a hard sell: convinced I was being sold something I didn't need. To me - Obama's gleaming valentine to himself succeeded in only reminding me of the Soloflex in the garage. Once shiny and new, it's now covered in soiled shorts.

And if you disagree with me, then you sir are worse than Hitler.