(EVERYTHING IN CAPS WAS BLEEPED)

God bless Keith Olbermann and his homo-erotic obsession with Bill Oreilly. Roll the tape, roll-the-tapers....

((PAUSE FOR COUNTDOWN SOT!!!))

((ON CAM))

So here's the thing, keith. Bill O'reilly had nothing to do with the decision to bleep his name. Unlike you, He has far better things to do with his time.

For example, he's totally into Pilates. And his thighs are as hard as granite.

Also, no one on Bill's staff was involved in the decision, either. And, guess what - neither was anyone else at Fox. I mean, at three a.m., they're usually sacrificing goats at our underground temple of death located below the newsroom.

So, sorry - it was all me! see, I know how desperate keith's need is for anything that fuels his hunger for O'reilly's attention. So i bleeped Bill's name, knowing it would trigger Olby's insatiable longing for acceptance - and get our show some real publicity!

God knows we need it.

As for Olbermann, lets face it: the guy is a GREAT GUY. I mean, so what if he likes to HELP OUT troubled young women. Or the fact that he uses his job to shamelessly HELP THE UNDERPRIVILIDGED, impressionable secretaries. And did you hear that he SPENDS HIS TIME HELPING KIDS WITH head injuries? I read somewhere he RELAXES QUIETLY IN A bathtub. Nude.

He is the LAST GUY you would see banging a drug-addicted stripper. And he WOULD NEVER steal her coke, and do a line off her baby daughters head.

What a HERO.

And if you disagree with me, then you sir are worse than Dan Abrams.

((PAUSE!!!))