How do you know when a news story is full of crap? When Dr. Phil comes on some show to say it's "very real."

Example: just this morning he was on another, less successful network discussing how hard the recession is going to be on "the children." He went on to say that because kids have grown up with an overpowering sense of entitlement, it will be hard for parents – now strapped for cash - to tell them "no," especially during the holidays.

Sorry Dr. Phil , but you have the whole thing ass-backwards. It's not the kids who have the sense of entitlement – it's their crappy parents. After all, it's those jokers who bought the houses they couldn't afford, took out loans on cars they don't want to pay back – and believe that every vacation must involve a plane. The kids are only picking up what their parents are laying down – and if anything, we really need the grandparents to enter the picture and beat the crap out of everybody.

Seriously – this recession is nothing. Zilch. If America were a car, this would be a flat tire. Compare that to what's happening around the world. Initially it was all shits and giggles for our critics, as they pointed at the folly of America as its capitalistic system finally fell apart. But hold on there, fella. This is a global recession, and only countries that that embrace free markets are going to make it through alright. I mean, look who's in trouble now: Venezuela and Iran – corrupt regimes whose only survival is based on the price of oil – which is plunging so fast it's making Hugo Chavez crap his diapers and Ahmadinijad changing his.

And that's the real joy you should be feeling this holiday – watching the creeps who want us ruined, falling apart at the seams. That makes the whole recession, suddenly very worth it.

And if you disagree with me, then you sir are worse than Hitler.