So over at Depaul University - allegedly a college - students and faculty are up in hairy arms over the denial of tenure to Melissa Bradshaw, a professor of "women's and gender studies." In case you don't know what tenure is, it's a guaranteed lifetime job. And in case you don't know what "women's and gender studies" are, join the club - neither do I.

And here we have a magnificent collision of two idiotic practices: tenure, which relieves professors of trying altogether, allowing them instead to pursue ideas that would fail miserably in a world of measurable achievement; and gender studies, a fuzzy field where earnest types angrily analyze the "phenomenon of gender." Usually while wearing underwear made from hemp.

First, let's tackle gender studies. The gist: being female is a social construct, internal sex organs be damned. The relationship between men and women is not about love, but power – a struggle between the powerless female against evil patriarchal man.

In short, I could have just said, "moogiebloogietoogie," and it would have made more sense. I see gender studies as the post-modern dance of educational disciplines. People only enroll in it, in the end, to teach it. In that sense, gender studies is more like joining Amway, but without the delightful products cluttering up your garage. Because gender studies isn't something that helps you do anything else but teach gender studies, it's understandable why tenure is so vital here. What else are you going to do once people find you out?

The sad thing is, the world really needs gender studies – a truly literal version of it, however. Men don't get women, and women don't get men – and rather than spending so much time deconstructing phallic fantasies – we should be teaching the sexes how to respect each other during our daily lives. Do that, and you don't just deserve tenure, you deserve some excellent toiletries.

If you'd like me to stop by, I have some anti-aging creams and serums I'd love to show you. You'll like them so much, I bet you'll want to sell them yourself!

And if you disagree with me, you're probably a racist.